A debt of gratitude.

But at the same time we feel afraid. Surrendering completely to love, be it human or divine, means giving up everything, including our own well-being or our ability to make decisions. It means loving in the deepest sense of the word. The truth is that we didn't want to be in the way God has chosen; we want to keep absolute control over our every step, to be fully conscious of our decisions, to be capable of choosing the object of our devotion.
-Paulo Coelho, The Witch of Portobello

I totally agree to what Paulo Coelho wrote. We want to be in control of our emotions. Of who and what to love. Even if we know to ourselves that we are loving, pouring our fullest emotions to the wrong person or situation. I don't need anyone to convince me or tell me that I am doing the wrong thing. I personally know what I am doing and what will be the outcome of this. This is not a win-win situation, so it's not a wise move to stick with this situation. I know I need to use my mind on this, and that's what I am trying to do. Convince, convince, convince myself to do the right thing. I am assessing the situation now, thinking--do I have feelings for him? Or this is just like a debt of gratitude?

He's just not that into you

Maybe this is just me, because my priorities have changed as I’ve gotten older. But now I don’t want to be “sort of dating” someone. I don’t want to be “kinda hanging out” with someone. I don’t want to spend a lot of energy suppressing all my feelings so I appear uninvolved. I want to be involved. I want to be sleeping with someone I know I’ll see again because they’ve already demonstrated to me that they’re trustworthy and honorable—and into me. Sure, in the beginning you have to be somewhat cautious about how much you give away. But that caution shouldn’t be to make them feel more comfortable; it should be because you know that you are ultimately a delicate, valuable creature who should be careful and discerning about who gets your affection. That’s what I’m doing now. And it’s not going so badly.

by: Liz Tuccillo

Just a thought.

It's the way you read the signs that determines happiness, but fate often has other plans, maybe the absence of sign is a sign.

I N V U !

Been staring in front of my laptop quite sometime now. I don't even know what to write. Felt bored lately. Been doing nothing. It's really hard when and how to start because I don't even know what should I do. It's hard to say I'm done, if I didn't even know that I started yet. In this little cyberspace/cyber world of mine, no one knows the author---I myself only knows who I am. I'm babbling again of nonsense thoughts, sorry. I want to write something sensible now, but what topic should I write about. Lately I felt so weird about myself. It's like, my life has no direction. I don't know what path should I follow. I got lots of things on my mind but I don't know what to do first. I do feel a lot of pressure. Pressure in career. Pressure in having a partner.

Pressure in career. I am getting old, but still I don't have anything I can say mine now. I am not jobless or anything. In fact, I do have a job which I don't know if I am still in or not. How come my friends are quite stable with their job now. They have something that they can call their own. I am not saying all them are stable with their jobs, there some some few who are still not.

Pressure in having a partner. This will never be out of my online journal. I always talk about this endlessly. My rants and raves are here again--hear yeah! hear yeah! I'm tired of meeting Mr. Maybe, I've said that for the nth time. I should learn how to wait patiently.

Somebody walked into my life

Somebody walked into my life

And he's right on time

Somebody looked into my eyes

And he read my mind

And its true

I only need to tell you

that it's you

You're every thing

I ever dreamed would come to me

Somebody walked into my heart

And to my surprise

Somebody tearing me apart

And it feels just fine

And it's you

I've waited oh so long to say

it's you

You're every thing

I ever dreamed

And tonight I give in to the feelings

Tonight I give in to the thrill of loving you

And tonight I give in to believing

I'd hear you say

You'd always stay

Somebody turned my life around

And I'm not the same

Suddenly I don't hear a sound

Only your name

And I really need you

And tonight I give in to the feelings

Yes tonight I give in to the thrill of loving you

And tonight I give in to believing

You'll always stay in love this way

Oh, tonight I give in to the feelings

Yes tonight I give in to them all so hold me

And tonight I give in to believing, darling

You're every thing

I ever dreamed would come to me

This is an Angela Bofill song, entitled Tonight I give in. Some parts of the song do describe on how I'm feeling right now. Especially this part: Somebody walked into my heart and to my surprise somebody tearing me apart and it feels just fine and it's you. Martyrdom again? I know. Stupidity strikes again. Or maybe I'm just rushing things. Yeah, I'm just rushing things too much. I should learn how to wait in God's perfect time. I know what to do, I know what is right. But I'm not doing it. Yes I am stubborn when I'm in love. Love really makes a person blind which is so wrong. But still, I am blinded by it. Or maybe this is just some infatuation? It's hard to distinguish love and infatuation. Or maybe I haven't fell in love for the longest time that's why I don't know how to distinguish the difference between them. Or I'm just plain stupid. I've confide this problem to my friends, they all say one thing. "I rush things too much." I don't know, I'm living a happy and contented single life before I met this guy. After that, I've realized that I'm ready to give up my singlehood and ready to be in a relationship. I think the best way to do now is to move on with life. Charge this problem to experience. Enjoy life with friends, and GET A NEW "TOY."

Leap of Faith

I thought going out on a date would make a person feel happy. But I guess not. Not all dates has a happy ending. Because mine doesn't. I've been single for almost a year now. Searching, looking for the right guy. Went out with different guys, but still none worked out. After 2 months of no dating, I decided to go out once again. Leap of Faith. But I guess, I kissed the wrong frog again. Sometimes I don't wanna go out anymore. My self-confidence level goes down whenever I had unsuccessful dates. Is the problem with me or with them? Honestly, this guy I just went out with is just a plain Joe. Not a hunky-hot-boy-next-door-type. But I was attracted to him. I enjoyed every minute I spent with him. At first I thought he was boring type of guy. Because when we do talk on the phone, our conversation was not continuous nor spontaneous. Sometimes it bores me talking to him. But the time I met him in person every aspect of it changed. It was like a 360 degree turn. I don't know what's with him. I don't know what magic is with him that makes me feel this way. Maybe just maybe, he's not yet the right one.

New Year, New Me

Looking back to my previous posts makes me laugh. I sounded like a desperate woman longing for a boyfriend. Met someone assumed that he's Mr. Right but he turned out to be Mister-Right-Now. I won't fuss too much about it, past is past. I realized something while talking to my friend this morning, something about relationship---entering/having a relationship. We don't force a relationship. It'll just come the least you expected it. That's what I am trying to tell myself now. And yeah---it helps me somehow.