TRUST

If someone who you trust a lot, breaks it. Would you still them back? For some reasons, whenever the trust is not there its hard to gain it back. Its like when a china porcelain is broken you can still put it back but there would be cracks in it. I asked my friend that question, she told me its a no-brainer question. For her you can still trust a person whole, 100% even though it was broken, she said just accept the fact, forgive, accept everything that will happen in the future. People has their different opinions. As for me, I don't know how to build that trust again. Maybe my friend is right. But something in my mind is convincing me that regaining trust is a difficult task.

Pain. Hurting

I don't know until when I can hold on, it is really painful. I also have my limits.

Yay!

Been waiting here at the hall of nothing for 3hours now, waiting for him to finish his work he asked me to wait here and my mobile battery is running out soon. Anyway, i dont know what to type here.. My mind is literally blank. My friend is getting married next year, my other friend just got engaged, another friend is going soon to be engaged. What's happening? Everyone is like getting married? I have friends who are still single, since birth that is. We've talked a couple of times why are they still single, they do have a nice and successful career, then why they don't have a love life? I know getting attached is something that you can't rush but then it's been years that they've been waiting. Here is where the word "destiny or fate" comes in. I've been single for 2 years straight after a 4 year relationship. I have been into several dates but none of them worked. My single friend and I planned to go on a speed dating, its not a desperate move or anything we just wanna know how it feels to be in that sitch. But we never do it. Haha! The idea of having a boyfriend was gone after i migrated to other country. Maybe because i was too excited on other things. I was happy with the company of my friends---and until now I am still happy to be friends with them. But now I am pretty much happier like 1,000,000,001% happier because I already have "HIM" beside me. Yes, after longing to have a boyfriend, finally my prayers were answered. The time we became a couple, I wasn't expecting. Now i can attest to the saying "it will just come at the least time you expect it." To my single friends: i know it sounds cliche, but it is really true. And you also have to find ways on how you could meet you love.

xoxo
yellowcharm

I am alive again!

I've been gone for quite sometime. Hmm.. not really quite. But verrrryy long time. From my previous post, I am lost. Now I can see the path. But not too clear. Still walking the path with blurry view. But then again, I am trying to walk. I hope this is the right path and I hope again to find gold at the end of this path I am walking to. 

xoxo,

yCharm.

A debt of gratitude.

But at the same time we feel afraid. Surrendering completely to love, be it human or divine, means giving up everything, including our own well-being or our ability to make decisions. It means loving in the deepest sense of the word. The truth is that we didn't want to be in the way God has chosen; we want to keep absolute control over our every step, to be fully conscious of our decisions, to be capable of choosing the object of our devotion.
-Paulo Coelho, The Witch of Portobello

I totally agree to what Paulo Coelho wrote. We want to be in control of our emotions. Of who and what to love. Even if we know to ourselves that we are loving, pouring our fullest emotions to the wrong person or situation. I don't need anyone to convince me or tell me that I am doing the wrong thing. I personally know what I am doing and what will be the outcome of this. This is not a win-win situation, so it's not a wise move to stick with this situation. I know I need to use my mind on this, and that's what I am trying to do. Convince, convince, convince myself to do the right thing. I am assessing the situation now, thinking--do I have feelings for him? Or this is just like a debt of gratitude?

He's just not that into you

Maybe this is just me, because my priorities have changed as I’ve gotten older. But now I don’t want to be “sort of dating” someone. I don’t want to be “kinda hanging out” with someone. I don’t want to spend a lot of energy suppressing all my feelings so I appear uninvolved. I want to be involved. I want to be sleeping with someone I know I’ll see again because they’ve already demonstrated to me that they’re trustworthy and honorable—and into me. Sure, in the beginning you have to be somewhat cautious about how much you give away. But that caution shouldn’t be to make them feel more comfortable; it should be because you know that you are ultimately a delicate, valuable creature who should be careful and discerning about who gets your affection. That’s what I’m doing now. And it’s not going so badly.

by: Liz Tuccillo

Just a thought.

It's the way you read the signs that determines happiness, but fate often has other plans, maybe the absence of sign is a sign.

I N V U !

Been staring in front of my laptop quite sometime now. I don't even know what to write. Felt bored lately. Been doing nothing. It's really hard when and how to start because I don't even know what should I do. It's hard to say I'm done, if I didn't even know that I started yet. In this little cyberspace/cyber world of mine, no one knows the author---I myself only knows who I am. I'm babbling again of nonsense thoughts, sorry. I want to write something sensible now, but what topic should I write about. Lately I felt so weird about myself. It's like, my life has no direction. I don't know what path should I follow. I got lots of things on my mind but I don't know what to do first. I do feel a lot of pressure. Pressure in career. Pressure in having a partner.

Pressure in career. I am getting old, but still I don't have anything I can say mine now. I am not jobless or anything. In fact, I do have a job which I don't know if I am still in or not. How come my friends are quite stable with their job now. They have something that they can call their own. I am not saying all them are stable with their jobs, there some some few who are still not.

Pressure in having a partner. This will never be out of my online journal. I always talk about this endlessly. My rants and raves are here again--hear yeah! hear yeah! I'm tired of meeting Mr. Maybe, I've said that for the nth time. I should learn how to wait patiently.

Somebody walked into my life

Somebody walked into my life

And he's right on time

Somebody looked into my eyes

And he read my mind

And its true

I only need to tell you

that it's you

You're every thing

I ever dreamed would come to me

Somebody walked into my heart

And to my surprise

Somebody tearing me apart

And it feels just fine

And it's you

I've waited oh so long to say

it's you

You're every thing

I ever dreamed

And tonight I give in to the feelings

Tonight I give in to the thrill of loving you

And tonight I give in to believing

I'd hear you say

You'd always stay

Somebody turned my life around

And I'm not the same

Suddenly I don't hear a sound

Only your name

And I really need you

And tonight I give in to the feelings

Yes tonight I give in to the thrill of loving you

And tonight I give in to believing

You'll always stay in love this way

Oh, tonight I give in to the feelings

Yes tonight I give in to them all so hold me

And tonight I give in to believing, darling

You're every thing

I ever dreamed would come to me

This is an Angela Bofill song, entitled Tonight I give in. Some parts of the song do describe on how I'm feeling right now. Especially this part: Somebody walked into my heart and to my surprise somebody tearing me apart and it feels just fine and it's you. Martyrdom again? I know. Stupidity strikes again. Or maybe I'm just rushing things. Yeah, I'm just rushing things too much. I should learn how to wait in God's perfect time. I know what to do, I know what is right. But I'm not doing it. Yes I am stubborn when I'm in love. Love really makes a person blind which is so wrong. But still, I am blinded by it. Or maybe this is just some infatuation? It's hard to distinguish love and infatuation. Or maybe I haven't fell in love for the longest time that's why I don't know how to distinguish the difference between them. Or I'm just plain stupid. I've confide this problem to my friends, they all say one thing. "I rush things too much." I don't know, I'm living a happy and contented single life before I met this guy. After that, I've realized that I'm ready to give up my singlehood and ready to be in a relationship. I think the best way to do now is to move on with life. Charge this problem to experience. Enjoy life with friends, and GET A NEW "TOY."

Leap of Faith

I thought going out on a date would make a person feel happy. But I guess not. Not all dates has a happy ending. Because mine doesn't. I've been single for almost a year now. Searching, looking for the right guy. Went out with different guys, but still none worked out. After 2 months of no dating, I decided to go out once again. Leap of Faith. But I guess, I kissed the wrong frog again. Sometimes I don't wanna go out anymore. My self-confidence level goes down whenever I had unsuccessful dates. Is the problem with me or with them? Honestly, this guy I just went out with is just a plain Joe. Not a hunky-hot-boy-next-door-type. But I was attracted to him. I enjoyed every minute I spent with him. At first I thought he was boring type of guy. Because when we do talk on the phone, our conversation was not continuous nor spontaneous. Sometimes it bores me talking to him. But the time I met him in person every aspect of it changed. It was like a 360 degree turn. I don't know what's with him. I don't know what magic is with him that makes me feel this way. Maybe just maybe, he's not yet the right one.

New Year, New Me

Looking back to my previous posts makes me laugh. I sounded like a desperate woman longing for a boyfriend. Met someone assumed that he's Mr. Right but he turned out to be Mister-Right-Now. I won't fuss too much about it, past is past. I realized something while talking to my friend this morning, something about relationship---entering/having a relationship. We don't force a relationship. It'll just come the least you expected it. That's what I am trying to tell myself now. And yeah---it helps me somehow.

Answered Prayer?

I've been praying for weeks about this dilemma. I think God already somewhat answered it. I don't know if I'd be happy or just go inside the bathroom and cry. I've realized a lot of things about myself the day you came into my life, and I want to thank you for that. Thanks for making me a better person. I think I am stupid, because having you means I have to endure a lot of things. I am not that type of person which some people may call "martyr," but just to be with you I can say that I can be martyr for you. I admit I like you. I don't know if you feel the same way too. I don't know if it's right to continue this. I try to convince myself that I am not yet in love with you. I hope you can catch me if I fall. And oh, I miss you.

Infatuation

Before I thought infatuation only exist in elementary to high school days. A lot of us think that if we feel in love that’s it. Were in love. Infatuation for me the first stage of being in love. This is the stage where we make our decision if we should go into a relationship or just stay as good friends with that person. 

For now I can say that I can feel infatuated towards this person. He makes me smile all the time, I feel safe and comfortable with him. We have endless stories together. If we didn’t talk for sometime I do miss him. When my phone beeps, I wish it was him. Even if we sometimes got nothing to talk about we still talk about nonsense things which we’ll just laugh about it. I admit I haven’t known this person for a long time. If I were to count the days that we’ve known each other it’s only three weeks or so. Weird eh? The first time we talked, it feels like I’ve known him forever. Sounds cheesy, but it’s real. The sweetest thing he ever told me was “Look outside, the moon is so nice.” I know it means nothing, but I feel jitters inside me when I read that message.

If he were to ask me directly if we can be together, as much as I want to say “Yes, I’d love to.” There’s something in me that holds me back to say those words. Not just some things but A LOT OF THINGS. I’m still using my brain to weigh, if it’ll work out or not. I’ve been saying this for the nth time. I don’t want to invest in a relationship which will just end in no time. There are a lot of complications if we become a couple. Honestly, I don’t want to have a complicated life. Who would dare have one, right? But as I weigh things over and over, a part of me says endure those things if you really do love him. A part of me says no because it won’t work. As a woman, I also dream of walking down the church aisle with my man. But if I were to be with him, my dream would be impossible. Yes, he’s separated. His previous marriage was not annulled. He had three kids with his wife. His eldest daughter lives with him and the other two is with his wife’s custody. I keep on asking myself if I am ready to be a step mom of his kids, until now I still don’t have answer for it. And oh, our age gap. He’s fourteen years senior than I am which for me is no big deal at all. I know my family would not accept us because of those things I mentioned earlier. My friends maybe. A lot of people will be judgmental. 

Society pressure.

Apples & Wine

Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the ground that isn’t as good, but easy. The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who is brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.

Now Men.... Men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the *%&# out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

this is not an original entry.

The Hard Lessons on Love and Men

I should always read this whenever I feel down.

1. A man won’t let go if he really loves you.

Do not hold on to someone who has let go of you. He does not love you and does not value having you. Believe me, he will not let go if he really loves you. There is another reason he is not willing to tell.

2. Do not look for reasons why he ended the relationship.

There is only one reason why he ended your relationship. He just does not love you. Do not waste your time thinking of reasons or what you should have done. Move on and be open to a man who will truly love you.

3. Do not get hung up on your past.

Do not nag or distrust your current boyfriend just because your ex hurt you. Do not treat him or the relationship the same way. Do not compare. He will not react the same way as your ex. Do not be worried that your simple mistakes will cause him to look for another girl. What happened with your ex was not your fault. It was not because you didn’t guard him enough or you didn’t make him happy enough.

4. Do not look into images.

How many times have you met a girl who didn’t have the best image in school or at the office, but you get to know the girl and found out she was actually extremely nice? Do not rely on images. Oftentimes, it is far from reality. Do not fear men just because your “supposedly” perfect ex-boyfriend mistreated you.

5. Always have your own set of rules.

Set your limits on how far you’d go for a guy. It’s perfectly ok to give and do everything as long as it’s worth it. And it’s worth it if the guy is treating you right.

6. Do not be scared to lose him.

Don’t be scared that he’ll break up with you. Once you are afraid of losing him, you easily can be taken advantage. Be strong and if something is unacceptable, do not accept it and speak up.

7. Avoid calling your guy.

It’s a guy thing. The relationship will definitely be better if it’s the guy who’s calling, not the girl. He will get tired of you if you keep on calling. He will lose interest and challenge. More so, he will get annoyed. But it’s a girl thing also that your fingers get too itchy until you dial his number. But avoid as much as possible. Call only if really needed (like checking if your suspicions are reasonable).

8. There is a guy who will value you.

There is a guy out there who can make you feel valued, appreciated, and loved. And I mean, not just during your first few weeks together. So don’t lose hope. Don’t settle for a lesbian if you are not attracted to women. There is a man out there who can love you like a girl can.

Also, do not believe him when he says it’s just the way he really is. He’s not the sweet or expressive-type. Remember during your first few weeks together? Where has that sweet guy gone? He simply is not that into you anymore.

9. Always be the only one, no matter what.

Do not ever fall for a guy who has another girl, be it his wife, girlfriend, or any girl that he says he just can’t get rid of for whatever reason. If you truly believe that he loves you and for some reason, he can’t leave or let go of another girl, then you are no different from any ordinary mistress.

10. He must respect you.

No matter how long the relationship has been, he should always show respect towards you.

11. If he fooled you, end it.

Philandering once is enough. You can never trust nor respect the person again.

12. Never start a relationship the wrong way.

Do not steal another girl’s man, for whatever reason. Nor should you enter a relationship for the wrong reasons (loneliness, on the rebound, getting back at your ex, man-dependency, etc.) it is bound not to last. You will only end up wasting more years of your life.

13. Do not force yourself into a relationship.

Do not get into a relationship just because your friends are getting impatient with your dating escapades and the one hasn’t come yet. Do not choose who to say yes to based on superficial things like money, looks, cars, etc.. If you are even thinking of these things, you have not fallen in love yet.

14. Do not settle.

If you are not happy anymore with your relationship, break up instantly. He will not stay with you forever no matter how upright he might seem to be. Eventually, he will also want love and happiness in his life.

15. A relationship has to have love.

Love is the only thing that will push you to give your efforts into making the relationship work. And believe me, keeping a relationship requires genuine efforts of both parties.

16. Don’t be afraid to be single.

It’s fun to be single, try it. You can go out whenever and wherever you want. You are free. You can date whomever you want and you get to go out for free! Do not get a boyfriend just for the sake of having one. Do not settle.

17. Be a good girl.

Be a good girl to attract a good guy. Enter the relationship with sincere intentions. Take the guy and the relationship seriously with the plan of spending the rest of your life with that person (of course, this is after you had your bit of fun in your younger years). If you compare your flings from your real relationships, you will know that the latter makes you happier and more fulfilled.

18. Love without limits.

Whether you loved and gave everything or loved but held out for some things, if the relationship ends, you still get hurt. But if you gave your everything, you were happy and you could say that it was worth it. If you didn’t give your all, you get hurt for nothing.

19. You will get over him.

Love is over-stated. Love eventually ends and you are free to love another.

20. Be the one.

Act like you are the one. Don’t be a nagger. Don’t hinder his gimmicks. Don’t give in to him too easily. Make him treat you as important. Don’t be easy. Don’t be like every other girl he had in his life.

this is not an original entry.

I am what I am

Things that I Love (:

I love God
I love myself
I love shopping
I love bags
I love shoes
I love my long hair
I love mineral make-up
I love my collection of rouge
I love perfumes
I love pearls
I love havs
I love painting my nails
I love surprises
I love talking
I love sleep-overs
I love cramming
I love my WD
I love Toshie
I love to sing in the shower
I love to use my brush as a microphone
I love daydreamin of my man (I don't even know him yet)
I love long driving
I love to be treated like a princess (who doesn't)
I love those people who got sense of humor
I love photography
I love movies
I love reminiscin'
I love sunset
I love yellow
I love charms

...Am I complicated?

I don't know.

I am no professional write, or whatsoever. I just want to write what I feel, I want to vent out things inside my mind.

I'm confused with myself. I don't understand what I want, what I want to do. I feel empty inside. I feel alone. I feel scared. I'm sad. People see me now as a happy person. They just don't know how I really feel inside of me. Maybe I'm just bored, can't talk to anyone that's why I feel this way. Sometimes I feel extremely happy, then suddenly I'm feeling sad. I'm not crazy or anything. Mood swings? Maybe. I really don't know, I have no concrete answers for my questions. One reason I'm thinking now why I feel this way is because of pressure. Pressure from my own self. I don't know if you'll consider it desperate, because it feels like I pressure myself much to look for the right guy for me. I know I am still young, also I am not getting any younger. In my stage of life now I should have already set some goals or priorities in life. I try to meet different people in all walks of life, some are old, some are young, some are just the same as my age. I realized something about myself, I am looking for a man who is established. Having a relationship is not all about love. When you're hungry you can't eat love, balance of thinking (being wise) and love is necessary in a relationship. Well that's my point of view. Every guy that I meet will like somewhat slip into my mind thinking is he the one? If I were to count how many times I did it would be endless. I'm not saying all guys that I've met. But some of them that I made a connection with. But up until now I still can't tell if who's the one? I can't stop myself for looking,is he is the one, he is the one? points everywhere. I'm tired of investing in a long relationship that will end after sometime. Been there done that a couple of times. I am telling myself to choose wisely. I tell myself to stop rushing and looking for him. But sometimes I just can't stop myself. To all the girls and guys out there who've met their right one, I'm happy for you. To all those who are still looking the same way as I do, good luck to us.

PS. Is there anyone out there can teach me how to choose the right ones from the wrong ones?