Infatuation

Before I thought infatuation only exist in elementary to high school days. A lot of us think that if we feel in love that’s it. Were in love. Infatuation for me the first stage of being in love. This is the stage where we make our decision if we should go into a relationship or just stay as good friends with that person. 

For now I can say that I can feel infatuated towards this person. He makes me smile all the time, I feel safe and comfortable with him. We have endless stories together. If we didn’t talk for sometime I do miss him. When my phone beeps, I wish it was him. Even if we sometimes got nothing to talk about we still talk about nonsense things which we’ll just laugh about it. I admit I haven’t known this person for a long time. If I were to count the days that we’ve known each other it’s only three weeks or so. Weird eh? The first time we talked, it feels like I’ve known him forever. Sounds cheesy, but it’s real. The sweetest thing he ever told me was “Look outside, the moon is so nice.” I know it means nothing, but I feel jitters inside me when I read that message.

If he were to ask me directly if we can be together, as much as I want to say “Yes, I’d love to.” There’s something in me that holds me back to say those words. Not just some things but A LOT OF THINGS. I’m still using my brain to weigh, if it’ll work out or not. I’ve been saying this for the nth time. I don’t want to invest in a relationship which will just end in no time. There are a lot of complications if we become a couple. Honestly, I don’t want to have a complicated life. Who would dare have one, right? But as I weigh things over and over, a part of me says endure those things if you really do love him. A part of me says no because it won’t work. As a woman, I also dream of walking down the church aisle with my man. But if I were to be with him, my dream would be impossible. Yes, he’s separated. His previous marriage was not annulled. He had three kids with his wife. His eldest daughter lives with him and the other two is with his wife’s custody. I keep on asking myself if I am ready to be a step mom of his kids, until now I still don’t have answer for it. And oh, our age gap. He’s fourteen years senior than I am which for me is no big deal at all. I know my family would not accept us because of those things I mentioned earlier. My friends maybe. A lot of people will be judgmental. 

Society pressure.